x redux

i must insist
therefore
to know
that if
x is when we met
y is who we are
a + b is us togetheralone
assuming
the wind velocity is such
volume of love soandso
speed and force known
and all variables considered

are we wrong or right?

what is x?

it's not enough
that we love
ceaselessly

it's not enough
that in this love
we forgive before the mistake is made
we dance seconds after we were beaten down
we splat on the pavement and snap up cartoon style
we lose our dimensions and enjoy it
we lock away our aspects in small boxes we hide in corners

it's not enough
that we love
like children
like animals
like poets
like mad men

it's not enough
that we love
with our nose
our breath
our eyelashes
the undersides of our fingernails
the inbetweens of our toes

it's not enough
that we
just
love

what matters
apparently
is the graph our love creates
when you plot it on a chart
with x and y axes
and parameters

what matters, ultimately,
is how we love
when
of what nature this love is
its personality
its mathematical equation formed with
the one we love
whether it balances
and how
to what degree
what's the tilt, the index, the refraction
where's the decimal point
who has the log
what's the percentage
and who's analyzing the data
and how
and when

it's not enough
that i loved

because i really really
suck
at math.

where's the enfield?

sandy sheets
then-purple-now-brown chappals
water color sarongs
spilt shampoo
thump in chest
jumpjumpjump
splishy splashy vodka
plastic glasses
fish eye
prawn curry rice plate papad spicy kings staring tails ew no
chocolate chocolate excess excess
round two
falling rockets
dreamy sleep sleepy dream
inhale exhale
tee hee

your feet sunset
my hair breeze

with you
goa was beautiful
again

shhh

want this loud enough
so that the universe listens
and tosses us like egg yolks
headfirst
into our dreams

(don't tell anyone
but it's already happened)

easy peezy lemon squeezy

how would you describe yourself to a stranger if they really needed to know who you are in a quick post-it moment? what can you jam in there to capture the essence of who you are -- this specialuniqueosodifferentfromtheotherlemmings lemming?

so here's who i am (apparently)

25, girl, drinker, smoker, bandra worker, chappal wearer, skirt twirler, silver lover, book reader, words writer, less sleeper, too-much thinker, idiot confessor, idea monger, wish bearer, easy forgetter, compulsive hair cutter

who am i describing? me or the woman that little girl on the horsie who rides past office at exactly 11.30 am everyday is going to be? or every other girl in the city whose ever read milan kundera? or who hasn't but will one day when she stumbles upon the book in a bookstore when she thinks she has extra money to splurge on a book she might hate anyway but it won't matter? or the ones who wear oshos and carry sling bags and walk around with quotes in their heads which they forget to pull out at the right moment which would make them seem all intellectual and smart but really they're only all those things in retrospect?

someday i'll be unique and different just like everyone else. till someday, i'll settle for this easy peezy niche.

in rainbows there is just thin air, and yet we chase them

i get it
i know
i really really do
but how to tell you?

across these miles
you and i
have parallel lives
in this one respect

i've
felt this
been her
lived there
needed it
too

just wanted you to know.

love.

try

don't stop asking why
don't stop being amazed by the reply
don't ever give up on a question
and let destiny overwhelm you
think of color as a miracle
and every new song a new world

even though it comes
with constant pain
and insanity by midnight
i wish to live this way
i wish to die this way