parenthesis

I never said I’d stop dreaming if you went away
(wait, I did)
Just that my dreams changed in ways I’d never imagined
Every dream I saw with you, now I don’t dare to see
(yes I do)
(but only coming true with you)

The way back for you is far too lost
I drew the map so you’ll probably never find me
The twists and turns I put on paper, have somehow all come real
The earth is littered with points marked X but none of them are true
(some of them are true)

I don’t love you like I did that night
(yes, yes, of course I do)
and I’m ok with settling for less now
(no, no I don’t want to)
I’m rejoicing in your glory, the one you’ve always deserved
(this one is true)
And I finally found the dance in me
But not quite the one you wanted me to

So is this the way my loves go
Loving me but unable to stay?
Needing me but finding ways to stop?
Out-running my screams, “you abandoned me bastard!”?
(I know it was me who abandoned me)

I abandoned the rules that keep two people together
(yes somehow love comes with rules)
Abandoned the memories and let anger take over
Those awful moments when you think you’re all given up
(I never gave up)

I stopped believing in love
then I believed again
I hated you for stopping too
For not being like me
And remembering every memory
(just when it’s too late)

They tell me I play games
I always prided myself on not playing games
(and losing at the ones I played)
i never want to play again

but when your mouth moves with a life it’s own
when your heart’s weaker than your tongue
it’s fair to say, I’m certain
that you don’t deserve love

I don’t deserve you
(but I want you back anyway)
I’m a selfish fucking bitch
(but I love you love you love you)
I only know how not to be loved
(please find a way to love me)
I only look for solutions in others
No one should indulge me
(please indulge me)

I keep losing the right
I keep trying to fight
I never get it right
But I’m dreaming tonight
That you get me at last
(there isn’t much to get)
That I see at last
Your heart’s not to let
(I’ll guess I’ll always rent, never borrow, never even own)

I’m looking for rights
That aren’t mine to have
(can I be right for you?)
And I push away sorrow
When it’s staring me in the fucking face
I’d rather smash my face
(I’d rather smash my face)

I’ve lost the plot, I know
I took a moment and ran with it
I went to extremes and hoped you’d be my middle
(no one can be anyone’s middle)
Everyone runs when you push them too far
The road paves over in the opposite direction
First I ask you to swim with my tide
Then I ask you to swim against your tide
(make me your tide)

I should have said everything I thought
What bullshit emerged when the truth did not
The truth it sits quietly in parenthesis
Everyone ignores parenthesis
Even writers