to ladakh, an apology

one of the things that i took the longest to get used to in ladakh, and what was also the most amazing thing about it, was that after a while, you had to get used to the idea of leaving your house every morning not simply expecting to have fights and combat with the people you were to meet that day. it was a gentle living that only after several days there i realized i've been missing and how its absence in bombay has been affecting me badly, deeply, for so many years now. mostly because of how used to it i'd become. in bombay i put on my fight face before leaving home every morning, adopt fighter stance, get that expressionless expression that says don't fucking mess with me, stick my elbows out to avoid getting jostled or groped, and practically march through the day to the sound of a really loud, awful drum beat in my head. i hate that about bombay.



in ladakh, nothing is easy, and simple things can take a while and be incredibly exhausting. just the kind of things that'd totally drive me nuts in bombay, but not in ladakh. i just couldn't lose my temper in ladakh. not at people getting in my face, not at the lack of amenities, not at unfairness, not at intolerance, not at pettiness, not at small mindedness. it all exists in ladakh of course, because ladakh in season time is ultimately full of city folk who carry their cities and their cultures with them in their backpacks. but ladakh also has these mountains. and these mountains give off this energy. and absorb all the poison that comes tumbling out of expensive city backpacks. and it has these people with their hands and their eyes and their clothes. and they speak words and sing songs that have this thing about them. and everything just feels ok.



i tried my best to carry ladakh back with me, and i managed i think, but it's been a while since i got back and it's slipped away from me. realized that only just now.

and i think we may have left behind some of our citiness in ladakh. soon after we got back, the news was full of stories of chinese incursions. and a couple of days ago a newspaper reported that the government is delighted to have commissioned a bunch of surveillance motor boats, about 40, to protect pangong-tso. i remember pangong so clean and quiet and blue and shiny and so gentle. and i don't want to imagine it with the shattering noise of 40 motor boats full of men holding guns that can kill people.



ladakh, i'm sorry you have to learn to put on your fight face now. i'm sorry this is what we gave you in return.