today i am in delhi, in vikram’s house, enjoying sitting next to—because i can’t sit in—the only patch of real sunlight i’ve seen since i arrived here day before yesterday. i am expecting a telephone call from my university; they are going to interview me for the course and this talk will decide the course of the rest of my life. no pressure. “informal chat” they say, of course. it is 12.30. the interview is at 4.30. I am experiencing a very contained kind of hyper-nervousness where i am nervous but unable to truly allow myself to internalize and therefore deeply feel it but also unable to not feel it and relax and watch a movie or something. what a shit in between way to be. i’ve experienced it often in such make/break situations and i know it’ll go as soon as the situation begins, within seconds literally of the interview starting, and then i’ll be fine. unless i royally goof up and make a giant ass of myself. which has also been known to happen.
i am arranging and rearranging my space, folding the clothes and blankets, shifting my chair first to one then the other side of the table, creating the perfect sitting in which to continue to sit. and wait. i even felt the need to dress well. i think it will make a difference to how i sound on the phone.
luckily, the maid has come over to make lunch and the house is filling with household smells and household sounds, which is making me feel not quite so lonely. if she only knew what a difference she is making in my life. helping me get into university! yet this poor toothless old woman in a thin cotton sari and short-sleeved white blouse-sweater underneath, who first arrived at 8 am in a heavy fog and biting cold, will only trudge to the next house to make the next stranger’s lunch, and every day until the day her limbs don’t move.
now i’ve depressed myself. which is not good but a far more tolerable (and handle-able) emotion than nervousness.
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